Have you ever been in the middle of dealing with a situation and you are blaming everyone else and how they are not helping at all, blah, blah, blah and all of a sudden it hits you like a ton of bricks…you are the problem? It isn’t the world that is making you feel the way you do; you have brought it all on yourself. At first you don’t believe it, all you want to do is to continue to blame a bunch of people and if only they had done this or that all would be good. Or if they had only checked up on you maybe you would be doing better in the thing. Anybody else ever been here or is it just me?
I have been dealing with a thing for a while now and I have been a card-carrying member of the blame game. “If only they…” has been my battle cry and I have spent hours complaining about it. I try to pull myself up and do the thing and make a go of it, only to head back into my lair of discontent when I get no answers to questions or not one scrap of validation. It is a constant tug of war in my mind.
Then one day a movie scene came into my head (as they tend to do) and made me see the problem was me. It was a scene from “The Devil Wears Prada”. If you haven’t seen it, that is o.k., you should be able to get the gist of where I am going. Andy and Nigel are talking, and Andy is complaining that she gets no praise from her boss Miranda, and if she gets something wrong, it’s vicious. Nigel says to quit, Andy keeps complaining that’s now fair, she shouldn’t have to quit, she just wants a little credit for the fact that she is killing herself trying. Nigel tells her to be serious that she isn’t trying, she is whining. He goes on for a bit about the magazine and all that it has done and ends with telling Andy that so many people would kill to work there, but she only deigns to work there. Andy finally realizes she is the one screwing up and the next day she goes in guns blazing and makes it a success.
After the scene played out in my head, I was like “woah, that’s me, totally on point.” I understand that not all situations are the same and this idea of the problem being mine or yours if you are in the middle of something, isn’t always the case. Sometimes the other guy is totally at fault, but sometimes not. I am suggesting that when you’re in the middle of a problem, take a moment and think about it. Make a list if you have to of what everybody, including yourself is doing or not doing. You may be surprised to see that at least a part of the blame might fall on you.
I sat down recently with the problem at hand and thought long and hard about it. I made a mental list of all the issues surrounding this thing and I knew where I was wrong. I knew my expectations were getting me all jacked up. I was letting the images on social media play havoc in my mind. Why wasn’t what I am part of looking like everybody else? Then the question slapped me in the head…Do you really want it to? What??? I hate it when my mind throws this kind of question at me, because it means I am on the verge of a major breakthrough, which is great, but it also means I have been wasting my time trying to be like other people, which never works out in my favor.
In the end, I have come to terms with exactly how I am going to deal with this thing I am involved in and how I am going to make it work for me. I have to do things my way. Nothing ever works out for me when I try to be like everyone else. I will follow the rules, of course, but will put my signature mark on it. And the next time I find myself complaining about what other people are or aren’t doing? I am going to try to get a handle on the situation faster. I am going to look at all sides of the problem to see where I can to better in it.
***Question for the comments…have you ever been involved in a situation and realized you were the problem all along, that you were blaming the wrong people? If so, how did you change your attitude surrounding the problem to bring better results?
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